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| Me, mother, little sister and brother on Christmas eve 2010. |
I read
weesha's world latest blog post
"Being the fat daugther" and I think it is SO GREAT!! I read it ALL and I'm that kind of person that easily loose interest if there's too much text on a blog and admire the pictures instead, haha, but I read it all and I admire YOU! LuAnne, for being so brave and confident in yourself to make this post. Which has made me want to share with you my experience in being the fat daugther in a family of 5. Where everyone's skinny and good looking and I'm the only big/fat one. I don't share my insecurities with many, only my closest friends. My negative thoughts that would put me down before, when I thought I wasn't attractive enought for a guy to ever fall inlove with me.
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| Me and my mom this summer, I look SO BIG compared to her, jeez. |
First of all lets start from the begining, I've always been bigger. I did not get the "skinny-gene" that my brother and sister got. I would grow up having all of mom's and dad's friends say "Oh Jennifer, You've gotten so big!" I know many of them meant well in saying that, as in I've gotten older and grown. But I couldn't help feeling as they meant that I've gotten "large" it especially lowered my self-confident when I man said I was "robust" when I was 12 years old and I asked mom what it meat and she explained for me that it meant, big, sturdy, strong, firm. I couldn't take it as an compliment then because a 12 year old girl shouldn't be refered as "robust", I don't know if I can today either, even if it isn't an negative word. Because of what he told me it has a negative meaning to me. I'm not mad at him, I bet he didn't mean to hurt me, but he didn't choose his words wisley.
What are with some people not thinking before speaking!?
I was an active kid, I played soccer, and I also danced Jazz and Streetdance for 6 years up until I was 17 years old. I admit I'm not as fit now as I was then, not at all. I am bigger today then what I was then, even so, when I was younger was the time when people told me the most that; I was fat, and need to think about what I ate, and loose weight, etc.
Why? Maybe easier to question a teenager about her weight then an adult? I guess...it's sad.
If I wanted an extra plate of food my mom would look at me with that face that would read "Really Jennifer? an extra plate of food, think about your weight! Don't have it." if I wanted an extra slice of cake at one of my brother or sisters Bday she'd say "MmmmmM!!!! Jennifer....." with a stern look on her face. If we had movie night at home she's move the bowl of chips away from me when she felt I had enough. Maybe that is why I really LOVE chips today, hahah! joking, no but chips are my favorite snack, honest to god. I feel like a chips-addict sometimes, especially when I was young, I used to hide the bags of chips in my desk drawer so that no one would know I had bags of chips by myself, until one day my dad found them and seriously my heart was about to jump out my chest I was so scared of the big lecture I was gonna recive of how bad chips are for you etc. etc. I sure recived it. It wasn't the first time I've recived a lecture on how I should eat and such. it always made me feel disgusted by myself, and resent my parents for not letting me be ME, and do whatever I want. I just wanted them to let me be! My mom would ask me how much I weighed and I would lie because I was ashamed and scared to tell the truth.
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| My "pretty" face. |
She'd often say, when I was all dolled up for a specially occation or such that I looked pretty in the face, just a shame my body wasn't. She'd say "if you'd loose weight you'd look even better."
Today I know they said all that stuff and did what they did because they love and care about me. I know that.
However back then we got into a big fight, eventually, that ended up with me crying my eyes out yelling at them saying they made me feel so bad, ugly, disgusting, fat, and un-attracitve. I told them to leave me alone. They did, but my mom still gives me that look sometimes. She'll look at me, often when I'm feeling like a big sack of potatoes, slouching..."Jennifer, please, you need to loose weight." and I'll be like...."Mmmmm, I know." Big news, you're not making things better by reminding me about something I already know, let me deal with it my own way.
I want to love my body, love me! So just let me! If I feel that I want to loose weight then let me deal with it myself the way I feel is best for me, because that is what's gonna effectivly work. Not my parents constant naggig, I think they understand that now. Thank you!
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| At my best friends birthday party. 2011. |
Weight is a sensitive subject for me, what I can relate to the most on Weesha's post is the Asian culture. Relatives trying to give you diet tips, and some that just straight out ask you why you're fat. When I was in Philippines 2007 (I don't travel there very often so I don't know my relatvies that well.) I got to hear remarks on my weight 3 times in like a day or two, I was so sad and upset! It was diet tips, 1 cup of rice blah blah, you'll loose weight and look really nice and get a boyfriend. OH?! So you're saying I can't score a guy looking like I do now? I was so upset, I just sat up saying nothing and left the table. Another man joked with my mother infront of me asking "what happened with her body?! haha!" WHAT!? What's with the manners in this country I thought, you just don't say stuff like that! I stayed in my room the rest of the day. I hit rock bottom when I was at the hair dressers, and bunch of funny gays owned that place, I sat there quietly in the chair while this one guy did my hair and he asked me "why.....why....." I was thinking, maybe he's gonna ask me why I'm so quiet? "why....why are you so fat?". I was shocked! My answer become "I....don't...know?" and I was close to crying right there and then. WHAT KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT!? I couldn't leave the place, I was trapped in that chair with that horrible guy doing my hair. I told my mom what he'd asked, close to tears, she just waved it off. Afterwards I wish I asked him "why are you gay?" both stupid questions that shouldn't be asked. Some people in Philippines don't know the manners, no one in Sweden would EVER ask or say anything about a persons apperence in a negative way, never to a stranger you don't even know.
I was pissed! Later during my stay I started dating someone so I was like "in your face". Which made me feel a little bit better about myself.
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| This summer, 2011 |
It's always been a battle, but today I feel pretty confident with myself. I like that I'm curvy. I think I look good most of the time. (besides when I'm feeling low.) I know I am fat, I've accepted that. No stupid comments about my weight can ever hurt me again. I don't care.
Like this one guest at work the other week that flipped for nothing and pointed at me and called me a fat whore, and said I was to fat to work there. I just laughed. really?! REALLY?! You don't know me, leave! Idiots like that don't deserve any attention.
I know I've started to put on even more weight, this past year and Jason (my boyfriend) has started to comment on it, asking about my diet and what I'm eating. It just makes me aggravated and I end up yelling at him to leave me alone and to never speak about my weight and diets again! It's what I did to my parents, tell them to leave me alone with it. I right away become defensive, again, even though I know he asks because he loves me and he's only concerned about my health. But...I still get annoyed about it and all I'm thinking is....
JUST LOVE ME NO MATTER WHAT!
I just want to be happy!
And talking about my weight and how to loose weight when I feel targeted in a negative way doesn't work with me, it makes me fell miserable. Level with me and we can talk. :)
Jason wants me to go back to the shape I had when we met 3 and a half years ago, I was like 10-15 kilos less then. It would be nice I agree but don't nag about it. I feel like a mess sometimes, that I can't get it done, that I can't loose weight that easily, it's so hard! I just need to deal with it myself.
Do I make any sense? I feel like a mess, like please, Jen, can you make up your mind?! Do you want to loose it or not? Commit damn it! You feel me? So hard...
I feel blessed though, I have a boyfriend by my side that loves me unconditionally. I have family and friends that love me whatever size I am. I have my sister and brother that I love so much, that always makes me feel good about myself. They have never judged me. I have wonderful and supportive friends, as well as this amazing plus size blog community that I'm a part of that is so so so supportive. My readers that comment, you always boost my confidence and make me feel god about myself, and keeps me blogging. Thank you for being in my life, and thank you
Weesha's world for your inspiring post that made me dare to share my own experience.
ALL my endless love to ya' all!!
